Because I am going to make a real hash of explaining the Ashes to Americans.

Today is the first day of the 2009 attempt of the Brits to regain the Ashes, and I don’t think we have begun all that well, although the BBC headline was “England Make Solid Start to Ashes”.  The score is 336 for 7 – apparently the Aussies took some late wickets.

If you are already confused, that’s because it is cricket: a sport where it takes five days to play the game (which often ends in a draw), where you play in sweaters though it is summer, and where part way through everyone breaks for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

We won the Ashes in 2005 after about 20 years, but next we lost them.  Because we only play in the summer, and we only play with Australia, and we play in alternating countries and our adversaries are in the opposite hemisphere  (have you got all that?) this is our first chance to win back.

I won’t explain the rules to you, because frankly I don’t know them, though I am charmed by the whole process, and especially the vocabulary.

There are Overs, and Maiden Overs and Wickets and Sticky Wickets and Leg Before Wickets, and Square Short Leg, Silly Mid Off, and the deeply sinister Third Man.   Also I swear all the umpires are called Dickie Bird, and they look up at the clouds and consult their light meters, and employ the Duckworth Lewis method in case of rain. 

The Brits invented the game, and taught it to the colonies, and these days, mostly the colonies beat us.

It wasn’t always so.  In 1882 England played Australia on English ground and unexpectedly lost.  (Remember that at that time Australia was still England’s penal colony – where we sent our criminals.)

The newspapers screamed that with this extraordinary loss, cricket was dead.  An obituary was published in the national news and the following year something (it isn’t clear what) was burned in a mock cremation in Australia – a ball, bail, stump or perhaps a lady’s veil – and an urn with the Ashes of Cricket was presented to the English team.

Since then we have competed with the Australians for the Ashes of cricket. It is one of the most important sporting events in the UK calendar, very like the American baseball world series – except it only happens every 18 – 30 month. 

It would be a long time to get the Ashes back, except it doesn’t matter.  We’ve declared the Ashes were a gift and the urn is too fragile to travel.  We always keep them, no matter who wins.  A bit like the Parthenon. The sun never sets and all that.  We’re not just a pretty face, you know. 

In this picture the Aussie captain holds a replica, as he is entitled to do, since they won, as usual, the last time around.  Never mind.  We’ve got the real thing, even if it is awfully small, and even when we lose (gloriously, of course). 

But it is funny how such a little thing can stop whole countries.